A Constant Battle

Sometimes I can feel it coming, that gripping, tightening, heartbeat skipping sensation that I don't fit in or belong anywhere, and with anyone. I feel that everything is unreachable and no one is able to hear me for more than it takes to put a like or sad face or, even a heart. Most people these days do not have the mental capacity to listen nor the time. The attention and retention are non existing.

Not able to feel as being an active part of something also makes my value and ability to contribute impossible, because my self worth is directly derivative from that and becomes non existing. 

I suffer so much as a result. It is at times like that, that I feel the most alone and desperately lonely. Because of the pain, I am able to feel tears forming inside my head, leaving me with the hope that I will then be able to let them out to wet my face and salt my lips as a reminder that I am still alive after all. With the hope that a curled inward eyelash will eventually sting me, bringing me to deal with a physical pain, which is always preferable to the psychological, internal one.