Photospark

The other day one of my most precious and dearest people in my life, I think of her as my own child, posted a beautiful picture of herself during a day we shared together as a family many years ago. Back then, her, her brother and my own children were known as the "unit", as her mom affectionately loves to recall them as.

In that photo, in a corner, in the background, I also spotted myself before transition. The joy of seeing that picture of her in that shared happy moment, all of a sudden sparked other thoughts.

I hope in a way that this post will serve as an apology to a few people that were involved with me and had to endure my nonsense and lack of respect towards them.

In her picture i was wearing a pair of blue wind stoppers/sweat pants that had a large white stripe on the sides, along the length of my legs. I remeber them being so comfortable. Back then I always chose comfort, my own comfort, over anything else. I realize now how ugly they were and how very poorly I used to dress. I realize how important it is for me now, as a woman, to feel good about myself, and how much it affects or plays a significant role, in my decision making when going out with someone I like as a person.

I touched on this also in a previous post in this blog, where I wrote about esteem for a longer lasting relationship.

I realize that I should have made an effort in looking and dressing better for the people I loved. I am sorry.

I only now understand that it is a necessary effort that helps keeping a partner happy and appreciative. 

My poor choices and lack of taste was probably due in a big way to my self loathing, my gender dysphoria. I had to find comfort somehow living with my low self esteem and with the acute hatred for my male exterior.

Not caring about my exterior, my lack of interest in learning how to dress for not just myself but for others to meet their comfort, unfortunately is part of something I only now fully understand and try to make amends with.

As a female I am still learning so much about what is nice, acceptable, and that can enhance my work in progress forms.

I do know that the more attentive and aware I become on how I dress and look, the better I feel about myself.