Progression, Repression and Wanting to Be
I'm not dressing just to dress up. I need to be.
Cross-dressing is becoming increasingly not enough. I want to be a more complete self. The female self.
It has always been a progressive search for perfection in all the details, whether hiding the male traits or enhancing the female ones.
I'm not talking about perfection as in being visually beautiful, unfortunately, that is not achievable in my case. I was not blessed genetically speaking.
It is more about being real. It is about feelings that are growing from within.
This weekend I had my nails done by the wonderful people at Brazilian Hair Design, it is a luxury that I love to experience as they are so good at it and because it is done over my actual nails and not on fake ones, it works. I always used fake self-adhesive nails, quick to put on, quick to remove, easy to customize with my own color, and fun to use. Much cheaper than a salon visit. But not the real thing.
I stopped wearing them and instead I grow my nails longer, and go to the salon so that I can be real.
Same with breast forms, I used to wear surgical quality, very top of the line ones. Easy DD size with perfect looking shapes instantly achieved. Amazing feel over my skin too.
But not the real thing.
Being fat with a probable hormonal dysfunction, my breasts are now naturally sized and fit well within regular bras. Even though they will never be as perfectly shaped as the forms, or as big as them, they are real.
When a man touches, grabs and squeeze me it is a new level of joy... I'm there.
I am a much happier as a female even if I am out all alone. I have an inside smile until it is time to go back to look like a man.
It is becoming more and more frustrating to go back to drab each time.
At 2 am last night I was taking off the beautiful polish off my fingernails, and with each stroke of the cotton swab, I was hating it to see it go away because the real me was to be repressed and hidden once again.
Everything will go your way in due time, this is a process, not an event therefore it takes time. I am by no means an expert, but it would be reasonable to say, having known you for a period of time, the metamorphosis is most likely further along than you think it is. Any guy with a brain cell or two would be a fool not to want you for his girlfriend.
The question you are pondering is how to discern the real from the phony. It is easy to assume yourself as fake and everyone else as somehow more real; but realize that all of us feel this way. Much of the world tells us were not who we are most of our lives in most situations so expect there to be doubt and uncertainties. Remember that the clothes, the hair, the nails and all the other gender signifiers do not define you but are merely am expression of your already defined self.
Striving to be perfect or rather flawless is the default state of femininity and the pursuit of beauty is something that haunts the genetic girls even more than us. But it is a sisyphean task because regardless of who you are and how you look everyone has the same insecurities and hopes and nobody striving for beauty will ever be satisfied with their looks.
The key is to accept yourself and that you are real regardless of how the world sees you or wether you have nail polish on or not. Learning to accept yourself for who you are is not as easy as it sounds and I struggle with it over and over again too. But know that self acceptance brings serenity upon which happiness can grow.
Keep that smile inside.
Love,
Sabine
PS: I hope your date tonight went well :-)